I had a totally different Tuesday talk planned today. About connecting to your culture (since yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day). However, that’s not what I’m really thinking about right now and everyone could stand to be a bit more honest and open – myself included.
I just finished watching a movie with Kate Hudson, A Little Bit of Heaven. I highly recommend it but that’s besides the point. In the movie, Marley (Kate Hudson) finds out she has a terminal illness and the movie takes us through her last months of life. At the beginning of the movie, she says “the white picket fence, the children, the marriage, that was never what I wanted. You don’t need that to have a complete life.”
It started me thinking. I’ve always been open about the fact that I desire marriage and kids in my life. I’ve never understood how some people can look at life and decide not only do they not need that to be happy, sometimes they don’t even desire it at all. They’d be happier without it! What sort of mutant was I that I NEVER saw things in this manner. Was I a sell out? Succumbing to society’s view of what I SHOULD want? I couldn’t escape the sadness and loneliness I felt when I wasn’t in a relationship. Every time Valentine’s day would roll around, or I’d get invited to a wedding, it was all just a constant reminder of the fact that no one was picking me. Now, I’m in a relationship right now, but bear with me for a moment. This is important.
As I’m watching the movie, I start thinking, why is Marley so content? So much so, that she doesn’t feel like she needs love in her life? Not even a third of the way into the movie I figure out why. She doesn’t need it because she has is. She has a great group of friends that love and support her. They see each other all the time. She has a wonderful sex life with whomever she feels like having it with. She has a dog that cuddles with her every night. She has a job that she loves and so on and so on. She was already happy.
Then I turned the table on myself. If I didn’t feel that way, did it mean I wasn’t happy? Sure at some times I was. But maybe not overall. My best friends at the time, some of which are still here, some of which aren’t… well, I didn’t make a lot of time for them. I was so caught up in finding a guy that I wasn’t cultivating my relationship with them. In all honesty, I was kind of selfish at times. Only concerned with how I was feeling and not concerned about always being there for them. In fact, if I’m being completely open, sometimes it is still like that. It makes me sad when I think about it and the part that I played in these relationships.
Aside from friends, I wasn’t really happy with other areas of my life either. Still am not. I love my job and my business. But I hate the fact that I have debt and that I don’t have the freedom to do things I really want to do in life. Like travel. Like treat my best friend to an impromptu road trip because I know she’s stressed and deserves it. Or hell, even treat my boyfriend to a fancy dinner for his birthday to show him I care. There were/are a lot of things I’d like to fix.
So it made total sense to me that I felt like what I was missing in my life was a husband and kids. And sure, they weren’t there. BUT I was missing the happiness in a lot of other aspects of my life too. And maybe, if they were there, then the whole “I’m single” thing wouldn’t have been so hard.
I’m writing all this now because I was thinking about how short life is. How we really do need to take the time to make ourselves happy in our CURRENT situations. Not wait for something to happen before we can begin to live a full life.
For all my friends that are still with me, I am genuinely sorry if you ever felt like I wasn’t there for you. If you ever felt like I didn’t care about our friendship or if you ever felt that you weren’t a priority to me. To my boyfriend, I apologize if you’ve ever felt like you weren’t important to me. To my family, I sincerely hope that you’ve never felt anything but love from me. To anyone in my past who I’ve hurt, I am truly sorry.
All I can say is that I’ll try to do much better than I may have done in the past.
Now ALL that being said, we all make mistakes. That doesn’t diminish the fact that you should apologize for any mistakes you’ve made that need apologies but you can’t be so hard on yourself to think that you’re a horrible person because you made a mistake. As cliche as it sounds, tomorrow IS, in fact, another day.
So for those who are curious, I want to make some changes for my “tomorrows”. I want to focus more on paying off debt. I want to focus on my relationships with others: friends, family, loved ones. I want to focus on cooking and reading more often. Sipping wine and playing with my two doggies (the puppy and a 9 year old rat terrier). Really taking time some days to live slowly. Oh and napping in a hammock. I definitely want more time for napping in hammocks.
In order to do that. In order to live a full life on my terms, I will have to give up some things I currently do. I will need to give up spending money on useless things. For example, I just bought a new pair of snowboarding pants in Colorado this past January. They are cool. But unnecessary seeing as how I already owned a pair of snowboarding pants and while I love snowboarding, I don’t get out there every year. I’ll also need to give up watching SO many TV shows. I’m definitely not a fan of the “I don’t own a TV line of thinking”. I really enjoy TV and there are some shows that I eagerly look forward to week after week. And I also love my netflix. HOWEVER, I really don’t need to watch as many shows as I do. And by doing so, I’m taking time away from reading, napping, social time, cooking time etc. And in order to have more napping time in a hammock, I will actually have to purchase a hammock.
So what about you? What does living a full life mean to you? Are there mistakes you need to forgive yourself for? Are there actions you can do to put more of what you want into your life? Let us know in the comments below!
Breathe. Live. Laugh. Love.